be the light


Bilah. the awkward ifnj who love the sound of keyboards

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story time: anxiety and me
28/03/2016 | 0 comment[s]


I realized that I have mild anxiety disorders when I was 15.
At 15 I was wondering why I'm easily shaking up or scared and overthinking about small things. I used to be that annoying type of kin in your classroom that will volunteer for everything, from spelling bee, pertandingan membaca sajak or bla bla when i in elementary school. Even for first year of my high school years, I doing very well and dua kali dapat naik atas pentas time perhimpunan.

But slowly, I feels insecured about everything. From my looks and and my studies. Everyone in my class is so pretty and smart. Selepas tujuh tahun pergi sekolah, I got nombor 14 for my midterm exam when I in tingkatan dua ( you guys know about this, i pernah write about this on 2013). I feels very dissapointed with myself because i feel that is the worst number i ever got in my whole life. (that is the old me okay, the new me dah lulus pon syukur beb). Since then, my confident level went to a downhill.

I always shaking when everyone have their attention on me, which is sucked because I constantly needs to talk in from of my classmates or random people from my curriculum club. End up satu sekolah know me as Bilah that always shaking when she needs to talk in big crowds.

Maybe you guys think that this is only stage fright, but its not. I actually struggling a lot for the past three years because of my disorder, from self harming and depression. (I will talk about it later)

I also always overthinking about everything, as example for my driving class. I still sucked till now everytime my driving instructor is beside me. Walhal I already driving 70km/j siap gear tiga beb, and my mum also feels weird why my instructor neer let me drive atas jalan raya.
Mainly because im mentally cursed myself for being scared and panic and i always feels i want to die every time i see my instructor face.

Also i have a few embarrassing episodes because of my anxiety which i rather not to talk  about.

But alhamdullilah I already overcome sikit lah my problems, I can talk with stranger and even complain about wifi dengan TM lol, but I still need to overcome my problem with my driving instructor.

How I calm myself everytime my anxiety is killing me:
  1. I always listen to music,not the typical calming music but rap or indie bands songs lol because calm music make me feel even more overthinks and pop music make my head hurts. (I know this is weird)
  2. Hide myself under the comforter. I alway do this and then I cried. Crying can help to soothe your feeling, so if you feel sad or frustarated,just cry!
  3. Try to distract myself. I do everything I can to distract myself from thinking about it. Either reading stupid tumblr post or watching some studio ghibli film till 3am. Do it as long as you feels happy and distracted.
  4. Be positive! This is actually my 2016 resolution and thanks for the my e positive mindset, I handling 2016 very well! 
  5. Talk about it with someone that you trust. They maybe can help you but at least u feel relieved because you can letting go your thought.
  6. Write. If you can talk about it, you can write about it or draw about it, I dont know just express your minds to a masterpiece!
  7. Get a help. I found this great website called,beatinganxiety. They will sends to you an email everyday on how to overcome your anxiety and thanks for theri cute and helping email. Im still a sane human being masa spm semakin dekat.
There is always a good thing of everything, trust me. If you are struglling about something, dont worry your happiness is coming, sooner and later. You just need to hold on okay!
     Songs suggestions:
  •  Bonnie & Clyde - Dean
  • Still - Japanese House
  • Just A Lonely Night - Infinite
  • Rain Showers Remix - Just Music (Giriboy,CJamm,Swings,Vasco and Nochang) *IM SO LATE BUT RAIN SHOWERS IS SUCH A BOPS I CAN STOP LISTENING*